THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE
By Marvin L. Chapman, MFT, CFC
When a family separation takes place, both parents will grieve in a way very similar to mourning the death of a close relative. Dr. Elisabeth Ross, internationally known for her studies of the grief process, has described five (5) stages of grief when dealing with the death of a loved one. Grieving the emotional death of a relationship is similar to grieving the death of a close relative. Therefore, you will experience the five (5) stages of the grieving process. These stages are not absolutes, nor do they come in chronologically order. They are a naturally occurring emotional process when a person has suffered a significant loss in their lives - a process which affects both children and adults.
The five (5) stages of grieving are: Denial (refusing to accept the fact that the relationship is over); Anger (possibly even uncontrolled anger at family, friends, and many times unknown members of the opposite sex); Bargaining (I’ll change if you just promise not to file for divorce.); Depression (and sadness as well, many times with an overwhelming sense of failure; and finally there will Acceptance (moving on with your life). This last stage is where you finally accept the reality of the death of the former relationship. It is also where you start to make more mature decisions.
The five (5) stages of grief are not mutually exclusive. This means you may go through different stages at different times. You may go through more than one stage at one time. And you may go through some stages several times during the grieving process. Therefore, when going through the legal drama of the divorce process, you are also going through the psychological trauma grieving the emotional death of the former relationship.
I have found it helpful in my practice to present the legal stages and the emotional stages together as outlined on the following pages.
FIVE STAGES OF THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE
FIRST STAGE
Legal Process: Commitment to separate or actual separation.
Emotional State: Denial (Denying the reality that the relationship is really falling apart.)
Adults: This stage is marked with feelings of:
"This is not happening, it can't be happening, not to me!"
Children: This stage is marked with thoughts that will distract or deny the existence of the experience they feel. They will tell themselves this is just another outburst, everything will soon be back to normal.
SECOND STAGE
Legal Process: Filing of or responding to the initial legal papers.
Emotional State: Anger (Anger and frustration at yourself, other parent and maybe others.)
Adults: A feeling of powerlessness to control the events that are happening. Faultfinding and "pointing the finger" stage. Charges and counter-charges are thrown at each other. The wall of resentment and anger rises higher and higher.
Children: Feelings of anger towards the parents are prevalent as well as general anger towards the outside world. Some children become furious at no one or nothing in particular. Outbursts at inappropriate time and places are typical.
THIRD STAGE
Legal Process: Attorneys and/or the parties themselves begin initial negotiations.
Emotional State: Bargaining ("If you will only ________, then I promise I will ________.")
Adult: Many counselors look at this stage as the beginning of the end of the old you and the beginning of the new person you will become.
Children: Younger children will internalize the break up as somehow being their fault. If only they had been better kids, their parents would not be breaking up. This leads to the thinking that they can get the parents back together again. Some children even make plans to get the parents together, believing that if the parents see them "behaving" appropriately they'll get back together.
FOURTH STAGE
Legal Process: Court hearings, settlements, agreements, and/or the final decree.
Emotional State: Depression (Overwhelming sense of loss and sadness.)
Adult: This is when the suffering and disorganized period starts, where the emotional and physical symptoms of the break up sets in. Emotionally, time is spent mentally replaying the relationship, the good and the bad. This is when grief, sadness, loneliness, self-pity, fear, remorse, guilt, anxiety and depression become a daily ritual for many. Chaos and uncertainty run the daily life. Physically, sleeping problems become acute, too much or too little. Weight problems, gaining or losing. Drinking, smoking, drugs and searching for easy sexual fulfillment become appealing distractions.
Children: Typically described by children as intense pain from the realization that their world is coming apart. Feelings of deep sadness and overwhelming helplessness are common. Crying for no apparent reason is generally observed.
FIFTH STAGE
Legal Process: It's over!
Emotional State: Acceptance / Moving On (Desire to move on, exited about the future.)
Adult: Focus becomes clearer and directed towards the future, not the past. Growth begins here and if allowed to blossom, the new person is stronger, wiser, more independent and assured. You find yourself saying "I" instead of "We". Also, one begins to think of self as an independent and capable single person. you know you are in this stage when you feel or see the following:
S Resentment toward the other parent subsides from an obsession to an occasional flash of anger.
S Less time is spent complaining about problems and more time is spent on solving them.
S Contact is renewed with old friends and new ones are made.
S Decisions based on individual interests are being made.
S The opposite sex is no longer perceived as being threatening and untrustworthy.
S The break up is seen as the best possible solution to a self-destructive relationship and not as a punishment for having failed.
S No longer are you satisfied with the mere absence of pain, you begin to long for and strive for pleasure and happiness.
Children: The children finally become talkative about the break up and the restructured family from a one home family to a two home family. Openness and permission to freely discuss their sense of loss. Healing begins.